Hard time coping

mommyslilangel2/7/12 - 09:31am Mar 5, 2012 EST

February 7th 2012 me and my ex lost our lil daughter adisyn prior to birth. it has been really hard on me losen my first child, its been really hard dealing with my loss. everyday i put on a fake smile, people ask me how im doin n i tell them fine but in reality im not. behind that smile is a frown, behind my eyes are tears just waitin to roll out. im startin to break down n fall a part. each day that passes by gets harder n harder for me. i know i need to seek help n talk to someone but i cant. the only person i want to talk to and seek help from is my ex but he hasnt been here for me at all, he hasnt supported me, he hasnt comforted me, we havent grieved together, we havent done anything. me and my ex are growing further n further a part and its killing me. i dont know how to cope all of this without him by my side. i have been doin this all on my own. people tell me that i have them if i need someon to talk to or if i just want someone to cry with but its not the same. my parents, sisters, and friends keep pushing me to see a councelor or go to a support group but i feel im just not ready to. every now and then i get the feeling that it was my fault she had passed. i start thinking its because of me she is not here, my body was suppose to be the safest place and it failed my daughter. i think if maybe i just called my doctor the first sign i noticed she wasnt moving then maybe, just maybe he would still be here. i think what kind of a mother doesnt know when her child is hurt, what kind of a mother just doesnt know that there is something wrong with her child.