Little Things Getting Me Down

HOLLYK108 - 07:50pm Sep 30, 2011 EST

In a week I will have a one-year-old! I'm excited and planning for a party but I just have all these bad thoughts... My son was born 11 weeks early and was in the NICU a long time. It's hard to get excited for his party when I think back to what my life was like at this time last year. Laying in a hospital bed unsure what would happen to my son... think a lot now about all the things I was "robbed of" and all the wonderful things I gained.

Little things I missed that are nagging at me... wish they would go away.
1) Holding my baby after his birth. I had such bad Preclampsia that doctor had to give me a full spinal so I couldn't move my arms. My baby couldn't have been held anyway he needed moved to the NICU.
2) Naming him. We had no name picked out since he was so early. My husband named him after my dad. The name has grown on me but... still not my first choice
3) Spending the first day of his life with him. I was on the MAG for 31 hrs and only my husband and our parents got to see him. I had to stay behind in the Birth Care Center.
4) Being discharged without a baby. We've all been there. It sucks SO much!
5) Having friends and family visit us as a family. I didn't want anyone to see my baby before I had even seen him so no visitors. Just baby gifts I wanted to throw away as I was still supposed to be pregnant.
6) Getting my period two months before I was even supposed to have a child! Crazy!

I know it could be a lot worse. I could have a memorial to be planning for. I feel such respect and so much love and sorrow for those moms out there who lived the other dark side of premature birth

My son who I didn't get a chance to hold or name has been in my arms ever since. Making up for all the pain. Thanks so much for listening...