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I want my son back!

unspokennightmare - 12:12pm Aug 1, 2006 EST

I was 25 when I found out I was going to have my first baby. It was the greatest and scariest day of my life, so I thought. Started seeing the doctor and was hearing everything was going great. I was being told that I was having the perfect pregnancy that any woman would love to have. Until I knew something was wrong and the fight began. On June 21, 2005 we went to the doctor to find out boy or girl, but that wasn't the news we got. I was told he couldn't tell the sex because it was to dark and that's not normal. The doctor immeditely examed me and started asking me questions. Questions wondering if my water broke or anything not normal. I answer saying that everything is great. I feel fine. The baby is always moving. I feel him kicking and moving all day. I was told that now I would have to see a specialist about this. Eight long days later I went to another doctor, still wondering what is happening. After having 6 sonograms and spending all day there, I was told that there was no amniotic fuild. Due to that, the baby has a 75% chance of not living. But they would like to run tests. The took placenta to find out if it was a problem me or my boyfriend. Hoped it was one of us, we were wrong. We are both very health. Then I was asked would I allow to have fuild put in with the baby to make the chances for life greater. There was suppost to be 1000 mg of fuild and I had none. I said lets do it. They added 600 mg. I want to save my baby's life. After having the fulid put in, we found out we were having a boy. Thats went all the horrable news came out. I am 1 in 10,000 that this could happen too. I was give only three choices for my baby. The first choice the doctor said was that they would fly me to Alanata, Ga for a abortion. The second choice was to carry the baby to full term but that didn't mean the baby would be alive. But if he did live, he would have a very hard life due to heart, lungs, and kidney problems. The last choice was to let God make the choice for me. Without even thinking twice about it I told the doctor that it's all in Gods hands, he know what's best. Two days later, July 14, 2005 I awoke with cramps. Then my water broke. My boyfriend rushed me to the hospital, where everyone was waiting and ready to help to fight for his life. Somewhere after 3 a.m. I had to have a emergancy c-section. At 3:24 a.m. Seth Lee Meehan was born. Jake (boyfriend) told me that he tried to fight. Seth fought for 45 mins. I was told that he went very peacefully.
Now its a year later and I still remember almost everything that happened. My son that fought, my prayers that got answered, my boyfriends love, and my family that was there. But the pain is still very much there. I was told it will just take time, but I still cry and very much want him here! My depression still grabs me and makes it hard to move on. I really dont know what to do. How do you move forward? A big part of me died that day and now it's hard to become alive again. I thank my friends and family that are there to help me, but to find others that understand and know this feeling is few. I am not even sure if I want to try again. Yes I know, I am still young, but my heart hurts very much. I have a nephew that was born July 29, 2005. He is doing great and I will get to meet him for the first time very soon. My fear is, will I see my son or my nephew? They are so close in birthdays.

weerock - Aug 1, 2006 12:17 pm (#1 Total: 18)

Mom to Leighton (30 weeks), Emerson (33 weeks), and an angel, Phillip (25 weeks)

My heart breaks for you - and the pain that you are enduring. I, too, lost my firstborn - my son - at 25 weeks gestation. He weighed 1 pound 11 ounces.

Losing a child is devastating. I often felt like I surely could *not* survive this kind of pain. But I also knew that I wanted to be a mother so badly - to have a baby to hold and love. So I took the chance - and tried again. I did have another preemie (born at 30 weeks) - but she is a healthy 4 year old today.

I hope that you have someone close to you that you can confide in and rely on. These are hard times for you - and it would really be beneficial to have someone to talk to. We here at Share are, of course, always here for you too!

Take care -
Denise

momofEDF - Aug 1, 2006 3:56 pm (#2 Total: 18)

I am sorry for your loss too

I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your son. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my son Ethan 6 weeks ago. He was 24 weeks old when he was born. The pain has been unbearable and I keep waiting for it to end. This web site and all these wonderful, strong women and their stories has helped me deal with my own pain. I hope they can help you deal with yours. Losing a child has been the hardest experience I've ever had to deal with. Give yourself some love and take things day by day. And know that Seth is in a good place and someday you will meet him.
Sincerely, Lori

jovana - Aug 1, 2006 4:19 pm (#3 Total: 18)

so sorry

my prayers are with you. I also know the feeling a losing a son i was excepting twins a boy and girl. imy water broke at 22 weeks i gave birth at 24 weeks my son jason wa 1 pound and passewd away the next day. i cry so much and a day desn't pass that i don't think about him. i thank the lord he let me keep ine if the twin my baby girl jayleen who is doing so much bettter. i guess my point is your not alone. god bless you and your family. best wishes

2 here 2 in Heaven - Aug 1, 2006 5:28 pm (#4 Total: 18)

Surviving 26 week triplet...2 angels, & a 36 week singleton.

Welcome to Share. I am so sorry that Seth passed away.

Three years ago we lost two of our triplet sons, born at 25 and 26 weeks. The heartache you are feeling is very real, deep, and hard to explain to others who have not experienced the loss of a child. While all my friends and family tried to be supportive, my husband and I actually found more comfort in talking with other families who had been in our shoes.

I am so glad you found Share, I didn't find it until this spring, I really could have used it when Boston and Kai passed, and while London endured 119 days in the NICU. You will find many parents here who have been where you are, perhaps their words can comfort you.

You might want to look into a support group in your town, through your church, etc. I attended one where no one new me or my story, and found it easier to open up that way.

There will be good days and bad days. Please know that Seth is in a place now where their is no pain or suffering. I know that doesn't take your pain away, but I find comfort knowing my boys are whole now.

-Shonda

unspokennightmare - Aug 2, 2006 3:51 pm (#5 Total: 18)

Please help

I thank everyone for reading and understanding. I also thank everyone for sharing there stories and helpfull words. i just dont know what to do anymore. I try to keep my head up and move forword, but how? How do you do it? I died that day and I am having a very hard time living. Seth fought very hard, as well as I did, but I can help but think was there more I could do? My close family and friends are around to for me to cry on, but my dreams keep playing. I know my son would not like me to feel like this, but I want him in my arms so very badly.I want to touch, smell, and hear him. i have been seeing a doctor, but I dont think the meds are working. And I am having a hard time finding people to talk to about this. Thank you for reading this and understanding.

momofEDF - Aug 2, 2006 4:42 pm (#6 Total: 18)

Please hang in there

I am so very sorry for your pain. PLease hang in there and know you are not alone. I too have many days that I am devastated. I have days that I cannot imagine hanging on anymore. It scares the living hell out of me. Someone told me yesterday "not to dwell". "Dwell?" I said. It's been 6 weeks since I lost my son and I don't care if it's already been 6 years, I wanted to strangle them. This is not about dwelling, this is about real pain, the loss of a child you dreamed of holding and sharing the rest of your life with. What is not to "dwell" about? But I am sorry your pain is affecting your life so much. I wish I could take it away because by that maybe my pain will also go away. I have my son's little blanket from the NICU and I can't help but to hold it and smell it and cry. I can't help to think of the what if's. For me, I can't wait to get pregnant again. And not to replace the son I had but to be able to have another child to meet and hold and cherish. Your Seth would not want you to feel this way as you wouldn't want him to feel this way. I can't take away your pain but I want you to know you are not alone and your feelings are very valid and very real. And I understand.
Take care of yourself, momofEDF

missmyboys - Aug 2, 2006 7:33 pm (#7 Total: 18)

My heart breaks for you......

I am so sorry your sweet angel Seth is not with you. He is surrounded by many other angels, including my sons. I haven't been into my grieving process long, not even quite three months, but it has gotten a little easier. "Easier" seems to be a bad word, I guess I am learning to live with it. Talking to others no Share has helped so much. You are right when you say there aren't many that know what you are going through. It's a terrible place to meet; but we are are always here for you at Share. I am so sorry for the reason it has brought you here. I hope you find much healing. My husband and I have recently been attending a program called "The Compassionate Friends", you might want to see if you have a local chapter in your area. I have also been meeting with a pastor who also has a degree in counseling. He has really helped me also. Please keep up posted. You might want to start a blog to make it a little easier to update. I wish you all the best.
Jamie
Austin and Cade's Mommy
My angels from Heaven

Maggs - Aug 2, 2006 10:18 pm (#8 Total: 18)

My Beautiful and Spunky Nicole (27 weeker, 1lb 6 ozs)

I'm so sorry about your son

I hope you find some solace here on this site and with others who have gone through the experience and survived. We love you!

christen_corine - Aug 3, 2006 5:33 pm (#9 Total: 18)

Isaac Myk'l (27wk angel) Cherish Elyzibeth(32 wk miracle) Haivynn Rebekkah(32 week miracle)

Understand

Hi and welcome to share. I am sorry for your loss. I too lost a lot of my amniotic fluid and had like 700 mg placed arou7nd my son. He was born four weeks later and my son lived for ten hoursl. I as well as many others on thissite know the pain that you feel. Continue to share with us
Christen

Karri - Aug 3, 2006 6:39 pm (#10 Total: 18)

IL Family Team Specialist - Family Teams are the Best!

I'm so very sorry for you loss. I pray that in time you will find peace, and healing in your heart. I don't know that there is a time frame to this type of healing. You slowly heal, and find some new normalcy in your life. Lean on your family, and friends.

Take care,
Karri

Ben's mommy - Aug 7, 2006 8:56 pm (#11 Total: 18)

I am 23 years old. When my husband and I found out that we were pregnant we too were scared but instantly he started talking to my stomach. I had the easiest pregnancy...so I thought. July 1, 2006 I woke up cramping and bleeding. Every nurse I talked to told me it was from intercourse. The pain became unbearable and I was crying because I was so scared for my baby's life. I went to the hospital and they told me that I was having contractions, they were going to give me something to stop them, do a pelvic exam and I was going home. As soon as the dr. started the exam he just started saying "oh no, this is the worst thing that could happen". I had no idea what he was talking about. He said that the membranes were in the vagina due to an incompetent cervix. He said that I had to stay in the hospital until I delivered. My due date was october 12, 2006. The dr told me that I would more than likely deliver within the next 24 hours. I went in for an emergency c-section the next evening. My son, Benjamin, was born July 2, 2006. He weighed 1lb. 13oz and was 14 1/4 inches long. He lived for six days in the nicu. Tomorrow will be one month since he died. I can't even get up in the morning. The dr keeps saying we'll have try again in a year. I don't know if I can try again. I don't want another baby! I want Ben back. I never knew that I could feel this way about anyone. When I saw him for the first time he instantly became the love of my life. How do you continue to live your life after you lose the most precious thing in the world? I catch myself holding my stomach as if he is still there. Which is really silly because I have lost over 20lbs since I had him and look as though I was never pregnant! I don't know how anyone gets over this kind of depression! It seems as though there isn't enough medication in the world to help. I am truly sorry for the loss of your son. I know now how much it hurts to lose your baby. MY sister has a 7 month old little girl and it is so hard for me to even see her. Good luck meeting your nephew. But trust me when you see him as beautiful as he may be you won't see your son. NO baby wil ever compare to your own. Be strong.

fivenow - Aug 8, 2006 11:34 am (#12 Total: 18)

Seth will always be with you

I lost my son on August 12, 2001. He would have turned 5 this week. It DOES get better, but it will ALWAYS hurt. I have a box of items I have kept that I look at during the particularly hard days - his blanket, a NICU diaper, a cast a friend made of his hands and feet, a few photos, and I am SO grateful that he came into my life, if only for two shorts days. I still cry. I'm glad that I can. I appreciate my other children so much more because of our time together. Take as much time as you need to heal. Seth is part of who you are now. Take advantage of that.

luvmee217 - Aug 12, 2006 10:57 am (#13 Total: 18)

Its so hard. No child will ever replace Seth. I lost my son almost 6 years ago. He survived for 3 months I don't think I would have gotten this far without my nephew. He was 5 years old when I lost my son, but he gave me so much love and I needed that innocence. My cousin was born around the same time my son was buried. He was 7 months when I met him. I thought it would break my heart to hold him, but somehow it didn't. I was worried that it was feel like my son instead of my cousin. We spent 10 days together. My aunt told me she's never seen him bond with anyone like that before. He brought me the comfort I needed. I at that point had no doubt that I would be a great mother. I hope u find the same comfort. I now have two children, two healthy children. They are 3 years and 8 months. I still cry till this day. The pain never goes away. There are good days and there are bad days. I stay strong for them. There is hope. A part of me died too. I know just how u feel. I thought it would be easier with time, but it really hadn't. I've gone through all the "what ifs" a million times. I've blamed myself. I've done it all, but that is no way to live. God has a plan for all of us. I don't understand why our children passed or what the reasoning is behind that. But I do know I always prayed for my son to be happy, and now he is. He's no longer in pain or hooked to a bunch of tubes. I hope you find the strength to move forward, not to move on, but forward. You have to stay strong so you can keep his memories alive. Good luck with everything. Your story reminds me to stay strong. Thank you.

RichardsMommy - Aug 14, 2006 7:10 pm (#14 Total: 18)

(((HUGS))))

I am SO heartbroken to read your story (and alot of other ladies here) because it brings home my own loss. I'm SOOO sorry girlie. It's been 6 months on the 17th that we lost our son and some days it seems like only an hour ago. I get through most days ok but others I just lose it. I've learned from alot of reading and searching that grief touches us all different. Some heal very soon, others never do. I think I'm in the "never do" category. Each day is another day without my son and I miss him SOOO much. Hang in there girlie, you sure aren't alone.

Traci Lynne - Aug 21, 2006 6:15 am (#15 Total: 18)

I'm so sorry

Know that you are not the only one that hurts. I too lost my baby girls in March and I feel the same as you. They lived two days and where born at 25 weeks. I thought it was something I did as they couldn't give me a reason why? I think maybe if I had a reason I would deal a little better. It has been six months for me and it still feels like yesterday. But I have come to believe that God has a plan for all of us. I know that you are scared about having another child but don't be. If it is ment to be it will be. My husband and I are going to start trying again and even though I'm scared like you, I don't want to give up my dream of having a health child. Don't give up!!

Hugs,
Traci

Ariannamyangel - Sep 19, 2006 7:49 pm (#16 Total: 18)

I understand the pain you feel...

You and I had very similar situations, and I want my daughter back too. I'm finding it hard to move on also, it'll be a year in october since i lost my daughter and I find myself empty. I just wanted to let you know your not the only one who feels like this

nikkosmom - Sep 20, 2006 8:48 am (#17 Total: 18)

Mommy to my Angel Baby of 20 weeks & Nikkos my 33 weeker

I'm so sorry

I too lost my first child and it is a most devistating and life altering event that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I didn't plan on having a 2nd but it turned out that I wasn't in control of that. My son was a preemie of 33 weeks.

I hope that one day your pain is eased, whether it be from your own child or maybe by your nephew's smile.

keepinghope - Sep 20, 2006 5:21 pm (#18 Total: 18)

Tears

Tears filled my eyes as I read your story you were so generous to share. I am so sorry about your loss..can't begin to imagine what you must have gone through and continue to. God will sustain you through it all..

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