There isn't enough room in here.....

That was a very brave, very touching post. Trinity's story brought tears to my eyes, as did the emotions from her loving mommy and grandfather. God bless you both and I offer my prayers for your family's healing. My heart breaks with this story, but it fuels my desire to further fundraise to beat this issue.

Dear Carrie and family,

I am truly touched by your story and the thoughtful words of Trinity's grandfather. There is nothing like the world of the NICU or the pain of watching your baby that you so desparately long for struggle for their life.

I have an angel in heaven also. I gave birth to my twin boys, James Ryan 1 lb. 15oz. and George Alexander 2 lbs. 1 oz, at 26 weeks gestation. We were able to bring James home after 3 months in the NICU, but lost George after 2 months in the NICU.
It's been less than a year since we lost George and I still feel an extreme sense of grief for him.

I know that I find comfort in remembering the time that I had with him and keeping pictures of him around me. These little angels were and always will be a tremendous part of our lives and they should never be forgotten. Becoming involved in the MOD won't let them be forgotten.

Thinking of you....

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of your little angel!! The story really made me appreciate what we have and what we have gone through, our son was born 2 years ago at 25 weeks and thankfully he is fine and with us today, not that I don't appreciate him because Lord knows we do it just makes you remember like it was yesterday. I wish you well in the future!! And I hope your pain eases. It looks as though you have family who love you very much!!!! Love always,
     Andrea

Carrie,

I just read your touching story on the site and I am truly sorry for your loss. I myself lost a baby boy at 19 weeks and when I conceived again, it was very scary. I delivered my baby girl at 23 weeks weighing 1 lb. 1 oz and 11 inches long. After five months in NICU at Vanderbilt, she is home with us now at 21 months and doing great. You now have a special angel watching over you. Not many of us are fortunate enough to have this. I know this does not make it easier but time will heal. I hope this does not discourage you to try again and be able to share all the love you have in your heart with a child. It is a long and scary road but it will be worth it. I will keep you in my prayers and wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck in the future.

Gwen
Nashville, TN

Carrie,
     My heart goes out to you and your family. I too myself have lost a little one. One in which I never got to see. I became preg. with twins due Nov. 5, 2001. I went into preterm labor...one week later I lost my Jordan Anthony in utero and continued to carry Joshua Allan to 33 wks. With us he is what kept us going. I understand your hurt but know there are others out there like you who know what you are going through and are there for you if you need them. God Bless You!
Becky in Indiana

Carrie-
I just read your story and my heart aches for you. My husband and I became pregnant with our first child in August 2003 through In Vitro and lost our baby boy, Sam on December 18, 2003, at 18 1/2 weeks. I had complications with a blood clot throughout my pregnancy, but we had been told that we "were out of the woods" as far as any danger in losing our baby. At 16 1/2 weeks I went in for a routine ultrasound and that is when they realized that my water had broken prematurely. I had had so much bleeding during my pregnancy that I didn't even know that my water had broken when it did. It was heartwrenching knowing that we were going to lose our baby. I went into the hospital on December 16 and delivered Sam two days later. My husband and I got to hold him and cherish our little baby before we had to say goodbye to him here on earth. He was such a beautiful baby and is now our special angel in heaven. Your dad's message brought tears to my eyes as I know that is how my parents feel. Sam would have been the first grandchild on my side of the family and I know they grieve at the loss of their grandson and the heartache that we have experienced. Please know that you, your boyfriend and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless you-

Shauna Allchin
Grand Rapids, MI

While I do not have any children, I read your story and I cried especially when I read your fathers comments.
I come from a family of 12 brothers and sisters. I was supposed to have 14. Two of my brothers died shortly after birth. They would have been 34 and 29. Even though it has been so long, when my mother visits their graves, she cries for them and misses them so much. I can not begin to understand how my mother or you or other mothers like you feel but I too feel the sence of loss in the fact that I have two brothers that I never got to know. You'r family will be in my prayers.
Patricia, Illinois

Carrie,
I read your story and was touched.by the response from Dad, what an expression of love. Thinking of you.
My name is Jamie Triggs, I work for REACH Help Me Grow as a Prenatal Nurse Family Advisor. My job was made possible as our Agency has received March of Dimes Grants. The March of Dimes is a wonderful organization. fighting for the lives of babies. The grant money has allowed me and the other Service Coordinators to provide education to prenatal mothers and increase their awarness of warning signs of preterm labor.

jamie
oh

Hi, my name is Mimmy. Your story really touched me.... My husband & I have one child Luke, he was born 2 and a half years ago, big (11lbs 3 oz & 2 feet long), healthy and full term. So when we found out that we were pregnant with our second, we expected nothing less ......

Then on Mother's Day of this year, Alexander Kingsley was born almost 3 months premature. I went to the hospital after having a little contraction pain and we found out immediately that I was 10 cm dialated and the doctor delivered Alex right away. He was 3 and a half pounds and 16 and a half inches. Our life changed forever from that moment on ......

The doctor told us that Alex was looking healthy for a premie and everything looked good. Then after spending 3 days in the NICU (an emotional roller coaster ride for me and my husband), Alex lost his battle. We are still heart broken. On one hand I feel so lucky to have one healthy child who keeps my mind occupied all day long, but on the other hand, I feel so bitter that Alex had to die -- and why did it have to happen on Mother's Day? What did I do so wrong to deserve this punishment? I will spend the rest of my life wondering how and why this could happen to us. I am trying to be a strong mommy for Luke everyday, but I go to sleep thinking, missing and crying sometimes about Alex at night after Luke goes to sleep.

None of the doctors could explain what the exact cause of my premature labor which is why I started to do the research myself and found out about March of Dimes. I was really surprised to find out how 1 in 8 pregnancies ended prematurely. I really do hope they will find out the cause soon -- I know that nothing will ever heal my pain, but reading about how there are other people out there who are going through this helps. Good Luck to all the babies and parents out there. And last but not least I would like to share my husband's letter to Alex with all of you:

"Your light burned so bright and burnt so short.
In the brief flash I felt more than I ever thought I could feel.
Anxious when you came so soon; Relief when all seemed so good;
Joy when you first set eye on me; Pride when you held my hand;
Anger when things got worse; Regret for all that could have been;
Peace when I finally could hold you and set you free.
A whole spectrum in so small a span.
Now you know more than I do about life's mysteries.
But I know just as part of me was in you, part of you will always be with me"

Please spread the words and help support March of Dimes. I'm doing my part and I hope you will too.

Mimmy (Mommy of Luke & Alex)

Dear Carrie,

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. We are going on day 83 in the NICU - I had a baby boy at 24 weeks, 6 days, weighing 1 lb 8ozs. He is now 5 lbs, 7 ozs and we are very lucky, which I try to remember daily. You are very brave and strong, even though you might not feel that way. I am sorry that Trinity is no longer with you but I am sure she will live in your heart forever. May God bless and keep her always.

Love,
Elissa

Dear Carrie,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, Trinity. Your story really struck a chord with my husband Brian who forwarded it on to me. We lost our son, Thomas, last year under similar circumstances to yours. He was born at 24w5d on Valentine's Day and weighed 1lb 10oz and was 13 inches long. Thomas was a fighter and lived for 5 days in the NICU but sadly died on February 18, 2003.

I can tell you that the loss of a child is something that never, ever leaves you, but the pain does ease with time. After almost two years, now I usually smile more often than I cry when I talk about Thomas. I wouldn't trade the time we were able to spend with him for anything, but oh how I wish I could change the outcome for him and Trinity and all the other babies who have been lost to prematurity.

I think that you have found a wonderful organization in the March of Dimes. What wonderful work they do to try and ensure that someday nobody else will have to suffer as our families have, and I admire your support of this cause.

I will keep you and your family in my thought and prayers. I know that I have found the holiday season to be an especially difficult time to be without Thomas last year and this year, so I wish special healing for you right now and in all of your days to come.

With my deepest sympathy,
Katheryn

Dear Carrie and Family,
After reading your story and your posted messages, I just want to thank you for sharing your story. I too lost a little boy, Connor, in March 2004. He was 1lb 13oz 13.5in long. with a beautiful head of brown hair! He was born at 25wks 4days and lived a wonderful 29hours in the NICU in Chicago. I call them my 29 hour of Heaven on Earth. For a long time I felt like I was all alone, that no one would understand the way it felt for me to lose my first child. I was only 21 yrs old at the time, and knowing that I'm not alone out there, because not only do I have my very own angel watching over me, but there are others, like you and many of the postings that are here to pray and encourage. Thank you for your story. You're all in my prayers!
~Katy

I am really sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. She will always live in your heart. -Melissa Patchogue, New York

Timothy was born on June 15, 1975 at 21 weeks gestation. I don't remember all of the details, but he was just about 1 pound in weight; his head circumference was equal to that of a small baby doll. At that point in time only the babies born after 6 months gestation and larger than 3 1/2 - 4 pounds were routinely being "saved". My Timmy was not; he was too small, too young. He lived less than two hours. While nearly 30 years have passed, he still touches my heart today. I needn't visit his grave to remember him, but I need those visits, too, to process my grief.

It is good to know that others like Timmy are now survivors, and able to live healthy and productive lives. I am thankful that the March of Dimes is able to help these babies and their families. And I also appreciate the grief/loss support materials that the March of Dimes has developed and distributed- for parents and for grandparents/other concerned family.

Five of my six pregnancies involved pre-term labor; three of those children were born large enough to survive, as was the one term birth (second pregnancy). The causes of pre-term birth are still largely unknown. With the March of Dimes' help, perhaps my daughters will have more information available to them and their doctors as they now begin to start their own families.

Choosing to live in hope,

Catherine

Carrie,
I just read your heartfelt story and my heart just goes out to you and your family. There are no words that can describe what you have and probably are stilll going through, but please know that all of us in the March of Dimes network are here for you. I am the mother of a preemie. My daughter Jordan was born at 28 weeks. I am truly one of the lucky ones to have been able to bring my daughter home after 6 weeks in the NICU. She is almost a year old already! If you ever need to talk, though I may not have had the same experience as you, I am hear to lend a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Hang in there and may GOD bless you and your family. I know he is taking care of Trinity up in heaven.

Carrie -

I am so sorry - I can tell you that time will ease the pain, so that your memories will bring pride and joy and less sorrow. I buried my severely premature son nine and a half years ago. I never held him alive, but I treasure those ultrasounds and the time we spent before he was buried. I vaguely remember that first year - it felt like hell on earth, despite my having a healthy 4 year old to go home to. I have since had three others - one term, healthy girl, one premature (5 weeks), healthy girl and one premature (9.5 weeks early) boy - he has suffered so much in the NICU and through the two and half years of intensive therapy required by his brain hemorrhage. The amazing thing is - he doesn't know he "can't" so he just does. Our little miracle is walking and playing like most toddlers - his speech is delayed, but coming along. His NICU doctors love when we visit - they can tell us now what their hearts couldn't then about how surprised they are at his survival and success.

The March of Dimes must continue their fight for research but everyone must fight to get doctors to recognize preterm labor and USE the medications at their disposal to prevent further injury to our children.

Please do whatever you can to honor Trinity throughout this holiday season and beyond - we will include you, your boyfriend, Trinity and her grandfather in our prayers.

May you feel the blessings of the Lord upon you.

Carrie-
I am so sorry for your loss. I am not yet a mother, but I have recently finished a study on complications of premature birth for my senior capstone. I now plan to go on to become a nurse practitioner and work in the NICU. Hopefully, one day I will be able to help babies like Trinity. I am very grateful for the March of Dimes and the services and information they provide. It is stories like yours that drive me to my goals of working in the NICU. I wish you and your family the best.

I just read your heartbreaking story and I can only say that I am so sorry for your loss. It is truly a tragedy when a child that hasn't even had a chance to live dies. I hope you and your family find comfort and strength from the messages of love you'll undoubtedly receive. God Bless

My tears and prayers are with you and your family. My daughter was born 7 weeks early 6 years ago. Her birth weight ws 4 lb which was high but we spend over 2 months in the NICU and have been battling the effects of premature birth ever since. I thank God for the chance to teach her and love her. God will bless you.

Caroline in NC

I read your story and all the comments from other mothers who have lost babies and I have been so deeply moved.
My husband and I tried a long time for a baby and were blessed with a son in October 2003 at 37 weeks. I had no idea the intensity of love I would feel for my child and the thought of losing him is indescribable.
My sister unfortunately has not had such an easy time. She found out in May 2004 that she was pregnant with twins. It came to light fairly early on that one of the twins, the littlest one, had some problems. After months of worrying and bed rest and many, many scans and tests, the little guy passed away in utero on October 16th at 26 weeks. She carried the larger twin for another 12 days and then had an emergency c-section on the 28th October. The baby was 2.5 pounds but a real fighter. He has gone on to do very well and we hope he may even be home for Christmas!
We are so thrilled that he is with us but the pain of losing the little guy has permeated through our family. He will always be with us, my sister will always be the mother of two boys, and his sacrifice to enable his brother to be born strong is something we will always be profoundly grateful for.
I always participated in Walk America as part of the organization I worked for but, in 2005, I will walk for my nephews.
My wish for you this Christmas is for peace, with the knowledge that your little one is close by.

Carrie, thank you for sharing your story. My friend Vilma lost her baby Daniel only a month ago. Daniel was born at 26 1/2 weeks. His birth was traumatic from the beginning. Vilma's water broke at 22 1/2 weeks. She was in the hospital for over a month. She developed an infection and had to have an emergency C-section at 27 1/2 wks. When she had the section the doctors did not realize that the baby had slipped into the birth canal because he was so small. His head was stuck in the canal for at least 5-10 minutes (it seemed like an eternity). When they got him out he was not breathing and no heart beat could be detected, but the Neo-natal doctor (Great Doctor!) continued to work on him for another 10-15 minutes. The nurses kept looking at the doctor as if to say please call it. They kept looking at the clock on the wall. Meanwhile I just prayed and spoke life over Daniel. Just as the doctor who was working on Vilma was telling me to tell my friend that the outcome was not good, the neo-natal specialist found a heart beat and Daniel was rushed off, he had survived. He immediatly began to thrive and in 2-3 weeks was able to breath completely on his own without any assistance. Daniel was growing and getting stronger.
Vilma has had 4 miscarriages , so Daniel was a blessing. She went to see him daily. Daniel knew his mom because when she would talk to him he would wiggle and open his eyes. He even lifted his head once. She was getting exited and started to plan his home coming which was only a little less than a month away.
One morning Vilma had to be admitted for a kidney stone and was being prepped for surgury when the neo-natal unit called and said that Daniel had suddenly developed an infection and it would be unlikely if he survived. When they took her in to surgery I went to check on Daniel with Vilma's brother and sister in law. When we got there they were working on Daniel but he was gone. When she was out of surgury the doctor told her that her baby had died. Vilma felt that her world was over . My heart is broken to pieces for my friend, infact I think about this and I still cry or if I see a small baby I cry. If that happens to me, I can't imagine how She feels and how others who have lost a little one feel. The crazy thing is that everything was going along so well with this baby and just suddenly he was gone in a matter of hours. I still am in shock and I am angry and very sad for her. I don't understand the why, but I know that God is with my friend. I just would like to share with you what happened after the Daniel's funeral. Vilma was in the deepest dispair and her grief threw her into depression. She did not bathe or talk to anyone. She said she was afraid to go outside.
( I guess for the fear of having to confront people asking her about the baby.) She was like this for days and one night she finally fell asleep out of sheer exaustion. She had the most beautiful dream that actually brought her out of the pit of depression she was in. Vilma has always been terrified of water. In the dream she found herself near a lake of water. It was crystal clear and had shiny beads or stones at the bottom.
A little boy came to her and invited her to swim with him. She was so sad because she could not, for fear. He then told her that she needed to be strong and brave because his daddy said that queens and princesses are strong and not fearful. So she went in the water and the little boy showed her how to swim and dive in and out of the water. Then she found herself on the bank and she saw other children sitting under a tree . The little boy told her that he was well taken care of there and that there was plenty to eat. She could smell bread and saw some ladies preparing food for the children. Then the little boy took her to a green pasture and told her that it was here that she could rest. She saw a chair maid out of the grass of the pasture and the little boy assured her that everything was going to be okay and that she could rest right there. When she woke up she said that she felt like she had hope again. She said that she feels that God allowed this dream to let her know that Daniel was in a good place and that She also would be okay, she only had to be strong and face the world again. Vilma is doing well and she has gone back to work. She has good days and bad days. She visits the babies grave often. She is a strong lady. Daniel touched many lives the short time he was with us. It's funny how someone who was here for such a short time can have such an impact on the lives of those around. All the babies who have been born and have passed were important people who left a mark in our hearts forever, The preciousness of life no matter how long or how short it is. I know that this story will encourage someone. A Missionary during the holocaust once said, " There is no pit so deep that God can't reach you and rescue you". Through this I see that this is true and I see that God uses the march of dimes and other's to help families come out of the pit of grief from this kind of loss. I believe the future is bright in preventing pre-mature birth and loss because With God all things are possible.

Dear Carrie,

I was very touched by your letter. It brought back many memories of my daughters stay in the NICU. She was born at 27.5 weeks and stayed in the NICU for a little over three months. Although it was a little over two years ago reading your story makes it feel just like yesterday. Although I am happy to say she is doing well I still grieve the loss of her twin sister. I wish I had something to say that would comfort you. I don't think time ever heals but rather just helps you to deal. I miss my daughter very much and think of her every day but I am thankful for her and knowing that I do have an angel above watching over me. I made a donation on your daughters behalf and pray that someday even more can be done for our tiny little ones. My heart goes out to your parents and boy friend as well. I know that I have not acknowledged my parents grieving hearts and I am sorry for that but I have so much grief to deal with I just can't bring myself to even think about what they are going through. Thank you for sharing your story.

I recieve the newsletter periodically from the March of Dimes and I am always touched by the stories that are shared. I have definetly shed some tears for you and your boyfriend this morning. Thank you for sharing your story. I have no idea the sadness you feel. I have lost a little baby cousin and I share your pain. This has really touched me and I will be thinking of the 3 of you during the holidays.
Mindy
Nashville

Dear Carrie,

Thank you for sharing your story. You and your husband are very brave and strong people to have survived this and to share your story with others. My twins were born seven weeks prematurely but tried to come at twenty four. I am very sorry for your loss. Your family will always be in our prayers.
                              Sincerely,
                                          Jaci Varnell

Hi Carrie,
My name is Jenifer and I have never heard a story more similar to mine than yours. When I was 17 years old in March of 2001, by boyfriend and I discovered that I was pregnant. There was no question in my mind that I was not going to terminate my pregnancy and after telling my parents; from that point on I was completely dedicated to having a healthy baby. I did everything right as far as I'm concerned.
On August 19, 2001, I woke up late at night to go to the bathroom. I realized that there was a pinkish colored mucus when I wiped and when I went to lay back in my bed I began to get a little crampy. I woke my mom up and she took me to the hospital right away. I spent about and hour and a half in the emergency room and didn't really know what was going on until I was admitted to my own room in labor and delivery. Like you, I was barely 23 weeks pregnant and 24 weeks is considered viable. They tilted my bed nearly upside down and gave me three different series of shots to try to stop my contractions but it didn't work. Eventually I had my last sonogram and we all saw on the screen that my baby boy's foot was already outside of my cervix and I was dilated 7 cm. Even though my water did not yet break, it would have been too risky to try to push everything back up and stitch my cervix shut. Not only would it have risked infection, but it would have only given my baby a small chance of survival. So at about 1:30 a.m. on August 20, 2001, I had to make the decision to deliver my baby knowing that he would not be able to survive outside my womb. To this day, I still think of things I could've done and it feels like a nightmare to try to remember back to that awful night, but trust me when I say that I feel your pain.
I did not choose to see my baby because it was too painful for me, but my mom and my dad (who are divorced) held my baby boy together while he was baptised and that gives me all the comfort in the world. Similar to your baby girl, my baby boy was 1 lb 2 oz and 12 inches long. He was also very active in my womb and I know he would've been a big boy. It was the most terrible thing I think anyone would ever have to go through and that is why I participate in at least 2 March of Dimes walks per year. I know that they are dedicated to finding new ways to save babies born prematurely and I always wonder if something more could have been done for my baby boy. Unfortunately, I will never know but at least I can help fight for others. I know it will always be hard we can get through it. I know we can.
I found so much comfort in hearing a story so similar to mine and I hope that you feel the same. Please feel free to email me if you'd like at jenifers8@hotmail.com.

Sincerely,
Jenifer Lynn Schnitzlein

Dear Carrie,
I am only 17 years old and am not planning on having a child anytime soon, but your story touched my heart in so many ways. Even though you may not be able to see it, you have so much strength and courage. To have a child the way you did and be able to share your story with others truly shows your strength! Today is Christmas Eve, and I have been thinking about all the things to be thankful for in my life, and there are so many! I would like to say thank YOU for giving me hope for the future in knowing that things may not end up perfect, but life always moves on!
Love always, Jessica, Alabama

Carrie,
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us to read. I hope that it has helped you in your healing process. I too have been in your situation and can truly relate with the feelings you have had to endure. I lost my first daughter Angelina Noel Gonzalez 21 1/2 weeks into my pregnancy due to an incompetent cervix. I now have a 6 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. Angelina was the angel to save them both. My son Anthony Rey was born @ 26 weeks weighing 2lb. 2 oz. and my daughter Ashley Reese was born @ 25 weeks weighing 1lb. 12 oz. Because of the heartache I had to endure with Angelina, the doctor's were aware of my situation and able to help prolong my delivery so that Anthony and Ashley could survive. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Angelina and I talk about her to my children. As much as I wish she were here, I now understand she had another purpose in life and that has helped me to cope with her loss.

Everything may not make sense right now, but in time you will see the amazing purpose that Trinity had for you and your family and how she will always be with you. Stay strong and talk about her often. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sincerely,
Katie Gonzalez

Carrie,

Hello, my name is Denise and I am a 24 yr. old first time mother. My son, Austin Jospeh was born exactly three months premature and was 2lbs. 10oz. I remember the same feeling of looking at your baby so helpless and yet such a beautiful miracle. I read your story and it touched my heart in so many ways. I pray for your family. Trinity came into the world for a short time to teach you something that will live on for you and your family. I will continue to keep you as well as Trinity in my thoughts and prayers. Know that you are not alone and your angel is smiling on you forever.

Sincerely and with Prayers,
Denise Chuma

Carrie,

When I read your story, my heart broke. I know, so well, what you feel. My situation with my son, Joshua, was similar. It has been 8 years now. There are more good days than bad now, and I've accepted the fact that I will never know or understand the meaning or reason for Joshua's death. I know now that I can only accept it and grow from here. I have no doubt that our "angels" are up there waiting, holding hands of other babies that have gone before their time. With the help Of MOD, more and more moms will NEVER know the pain and anguish that we know. If there is anything that helped me, it was finding something special that reminded me of Joshua and keeping it near. I also do things on our "Special days" to honor him. Things that are sentimental to us. I will never forget Joshua, Trinity or any of the other babies that have brought their parents and I together. That is a bond that can't be broken. Two mother's hearts that truly understand what it is to love at first sight.
    I now volunteer for MOD in our local hospital's NICU unit. I am a Family Support Parent, i love to be there and support other families that are coming into the world of NICU. I feel it is my way of honoring Joshua's short life. Something good had come of the worst thing that could ever happen to me! I am helping other parents when they need it most.
    Please read Joshua's touch, that is my son's story. It may help with the feeling of loneliness. Contact me if you'd like, i'm here!

With loving prayers and remembering Trinity,

Angelia Marzka

By the time I finished reading your story, I had tears streaming down my cheeks. As a mother of a beautiful baby boy who hopes one day to have a sister for him, I can't imagine the pain you went through. You and Trinity will be in my prayers.

Kristen (Kat)
proud mom of Zackary William (25 weeks)